Awakening My Inner Child.

“Since that day (I opened up about my emotions), it’s just been so much easier to live and so much easier to enjoy life”
-Michael Phelps

Nobody can use anything against me anymore. I know what I am and what I am not. I know all my mental, emotional and physical limitations. I always knew. It was just the matter of accepting in my mind and confessing them and taking the control of the game.

I was a shy kid who was always seeking public approval and wasn’t ever confident to do any given task. Early childhood was easier as hardly anyone criticised a 6-7 year kid. But in my later childhood I was so afraid of criticism that I stopped doing things altogether. Afraid of getting poor remarks stopped participating in events. Started telling people about my fake achievements.
It went good for a while until…
…two years back when I realized that people are still criticizing me. As mad as I was thinking about how can they criticise me for doing nothing and taking no responsibility, I began to realise few things.
One being that my teenage years were some of my most stagnant years in terms of personal growth. They faded quickly. I couldn’t get a hold of it. I was too afraid to do things that could have helped me to be a better person inside out. Afraid of remarks of people who never cared about me or my life. And for the ones who did care about me, well, they don’t know me as well as I know myself.

It took me time to understand that I was only responsible for my happiness and not others.

It took me time to understand that most people won’t care about how poor or how well you do in your life.

It took me time to understand that not everything you work on very hard works out in your favour, and that is, but, okay and it is all for a better future.

That happiness is not something you get at some point but something you have to work on rigourously.

That physical appearances are so fake and emotional intelligence is so underrated.

(“I wish every day could be Halloween. We could all wear masks all the time. Then we could walk around and get to know each other before we got to see what we looked like under the masks.”
-R. J. Palacio, Wonder)

It took me time to understand that looking for love won’t get you any. Rather you have to give love in abundance to this world to get some back.
And it is not something bad. It is just how the universe works. Giving love gives you long term happiness and not short-term highs.

I didn’t understand all these things in a day. It was a huge learning curve. And to be honest, I still make many mistakes. If possible, more than ever, because now, I am doing the hard things which I never did before.

I am still in the process and at times fear what people will think. But, usually, these people who criticise you don’t have anything better going on in their life. And if they feel good after giving you a piece of their mind, then take it as something positive you did to the world.

I mess up with my plans (so often). I get anxious, and worry being stagnant again. But, then I remember all the shit I want to do, all the experiences I want to experience, all the lives I want to live, all the stories I want to be.
And it just eases me up with my purpose.

I think about my sisters, my parents, my friends and all the gratitude I have, in front of which all my worries are so petite.

Funnily enough, most fears are so fake and self multiplying that they should be immediately stopped in the mind by positive self talk and the realization should take place that these fears are lies and won’t affect your life by much even if they come true.

Now, that, I don’t fear anyone’s opinion over my life and my decisions.
I feel like I am free.
I am ever growing.
I am a child again.


His First Kiss

He was too young to be with her. He was too old to not have kissed someone. But who makes up these rules to comply with or else you will be judged by people.

It was a warm night. Both of them were not over a misunderstanding. He cried that afternoon for not being able to talk to her. He was a man of principles(few) and wasn’t sure if casual dating was his thing. He was fighting with himself to give this thing another chance.

She came to see him late in that evening. She stopped her car to let him in. While she was driving to look for a solitary spot, he held her hand. She stopped the car at a place nearby. They hugged each other (there is a thing about hugging someone you love. You never feel you are close enough).They were still for few minutes. She paused and asked him, “what are you looking at?”. He said, “nothing..umm…nothing.”, when he could have easily said ‘her eyes’.

Then something happened.
Something strange.
Something new.
Something ugly to look at, yet full of love to be in.
It took him a while to process that the unfamiliar skin on his lips were actually her lips; the girl’s lips he was in love with. The lady of his dreams. She was a perfect blend of sincerity and insanity.

He was barely a participant in that act of love. But, it was an act of love. At that moment, he was so sure of being in love with her, more so that she felt the same for him.

This thing can’t ever be erased from his memory.
Not because it was a funny kiss, not because it was a car parked in an empty dark spot, but because his first kiss was with a person he was in love with.

Intimacy, whether physical or mental is taken in such an unconcerned and relaxed (not in a good way) manner that it is being under used, under witnessed and is being portrayed as a villain to mental peace,
when committing to someone or something is the best way to make it better. Though everything has a biting point and should be left once it hits that point but people are not ready to commit to that idea, that person, that habit, that has the possibility to change their life forever.

We need to get over the fear to commit.
We need to stop this casual thing for a while and just, for once, try to find out what we want by diving deep into the pool of commitment.

I don’t know that when commitment became a bad word because here I am experiencing the after effects of committing to people, idea, habit and it is changing me for good.
Hope you can get the courage to try this one thing soon.

She Owns It.

You know you are a woman when you go through blood stains(somehow they find you), CRAMPS(oh my god), thinking about the right clothes to wear, painkillers, 7days for every month or twice a month or once in 3 months (horrifying if dating), and much more.

It is not the hardest part. Rather, by far, it is the easiest.
The hard part being society’s acceptance regarding periods. How they treat periods as an unhygienic and UNNATURAL phenomenon, when it is more natural than having sexual intercourse.
The hard part is meagre thinking of guys specially fathers, sons, guy friends and thier “please don’t talk about it now. Eww”. Seriously dude?! And maybe the elders too, who are brainwashed by these “Religious Heads” who tend to make them think that they are not pure and hygienic, these days of the month.
While all this is hard to change. The hardest thing still being, you and I not talking about it, and accepting it, when we all know that it happens to half the human population. I think we should be the first one’s to talk about it. Create awareness regarding it, not only to girls, but to guys and then to the whole society.

Maybe we need to change the carry bags from those black one’s (not something to hide, dude), and use transparent bags to own it.

We need to start thinking about this. The world isn’t having very complex problems rather it has small problems on large scale. We need to make small changes in our thinking and it is going to be normal, not immediately, not easily, but eventually and definitely. PERIOD.