“Since that day (I opened up about my emotions), it’s just been so much easier to live and so much easier to enjoy life”
Nobody can use anything against me anymore. I know what I am and what I am not. I know all my mental, emotional and physical limitations. I always knew. It was just the matter of accepting in my mind and confessing them and taking the control of the game.
I was a shy kid who was always seeking public approval and wasn’t ever confident to do any given task. Early childhood was easier as hardly anyone criticised a 6-7 year kid. But in my later childhood I was so afraid of criticism that I stopped doing things altogether. Afraid of getting poor remarks stopped participating in events. Started telling people about my fake achievements.
It went good for a while until…
…two years back when I realized that people are still criticizing me. As mad as I was thinking about how can they criticise me for doing nothing and taking no responsibility, I began to realise few things.
One being that my teenage years were some of my most stagnant years in terms of personal growth. They faded quickly. I couldn’t get a hold of it. I was too afraid to do things that could have helped me to be a better person inside out. Afraid of remarks of people who never cared about me or my life. And for the ones who did care about me, well, they don’t know me as well as I know myself.
It took me time to understand that I was only responsible for my happiness and not others.
It took me time to understand that most people won’t care about how poor or how well you do in your life.
It took me time to understand that not everything you work on very hard works out in your favour, and that is, but, okay and it is all for a better future.
That happiness is not something you get at some point but something you have to work on rigourously.
That physical appearances are so fake and emotional intelligence is so underrated.
(“I wish every day could be Halloween. We could all wear masks all the time. Then we could walk around and get to know each other before we got to see what we looked like under the masks.”
-R. J. Palacio, Wonder)
It took me time to understand that looking for love won’t get you any. Rather you have to give love in abundance to this world to get some back.
And it is not something bad. It is just how the universe works. Giving love gives you long term happiness and not short-term highs.
I didn’t understand all these things in a day. It was a huge learning curve. And to be honest, I still make many mistakes. If possible, more than ever, because now, I am doing the hard things which I never did before.
I am still in the process and at times fear what people will think. But, usually, these people who criticise you don’t have anything better going on in their life. And if they feel good after giving you a piece of their mind, then take it as something positive you did to the world.
I mess up with my plans (so often). I get anxious, and worry being stagnant again. But, then I remember all the shit I want to do, all the experiences I want to experience, all the lives I want to live, all the stories I want to be.
And it just eases me up with my purpose.
I think about my sisters, my parents, my friends and all the gratitude I have, in front of which all my worries are so petite.
Funnily enough, most fears are so fake and self multiplying that they should be immediately stopped in the mind by positive self talk and the realization should take place that these fears are lies and won’t affect your life by much even if they come true.
Now, that, I don’t fear anyone’s opinion over my life and my decisions.
I feel like I am free.
I am ever growing.
I am a child again.